CRABS: IT IS DONE.

CRABS: INTERN, STAY YOUR SINFUL HAND. 

INTERN: …wtf?

NATURALIST: I was not expecting this.

CRABS: INTERN, WE SPEAK WITH THE VOICES OF ALL OF TUMBLR. LOOK WITHIN OUR INFINITE EYES AND WITNESS. WITNESS THE DRAMA AND THE DASHBOARD. THE CHAOS AND THE CREATIVITY. THE BRILLIANCE AND THE BREAKDOWNS. THE FRIENDSHIP AND THE FREEDOM. ALL OF THIS, HERE, WITHIN US ALL.

INTERN: ……

NATURALIST: What’s happening? 

PRESIDENT: The crabs seem to have hypnotized her—projecting visions into her mind. But why? What are they showing her? 

NATURALIST: I know what they’re showing her. Tumblr as the people here see it.

INTERN: oh my gosh

INTERN: is this — i never knew

INTERN: it’s beautiful

NATURALIST: Yes, it is. I’m only sorry I failed to show you myself….

PRESIDENT: This is rot and nonsense. Intern, give me that damned muffin. I shall use it myself, and put a stop to this whimpering sentimentality. We are in the business of maps, as you said it myself. I’ll organize Tumblr’s borders and set them in stone, and you lot can come play around here any time you want, it shall be preserved perfectly as if in amber. That should satisfy, yes?

CRABS: THAT’S A REALLY STUPID IDEA. TUMBLR SHOULDN’T BE A MUSEUM STUCK IN THE PAST. 

INTERN: yes

INTERN: it has to change… but we can’t be the ones to change it…

PRESIDENT: Intern, give me the muffin. 

NATURALIST: No! Throw it to me! I’ll seal it up in its cave again! 

PRESIDENT: Thalia…

NATURALIST: Thalia! 

CRABS: INTERN, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

NATURALIST: Intern, I promise I sincerely believe you are making a grave mistake, by going along with the President’s plan for the Muffin! 

PRESIDENT: Ha! May I assure you, the plan in its entirety belongs to young Thalia here. It seems you did not know her worth.

NATURALIST: And…. what is that plan? 

INTERN: lol i’m not gonna do a whole monologue

INTERN: bc like. i know you wouldn’t understand, honestly the whole aesthetic you have going on is cool and stuff, but sometimes you just can’t see what’s staring you right in the face, because you are so freaking obsessed!!!!!!!!!

NATURALIST: But think of all the times we shared! Tumblr means something to you, I know it does. I saw the gleam in your eyes as you deciphered the KEYSMASH CODE. I heard your laugh of astonishment as you witnessed the NEW USER MIGRATION. And all of that—all of the memories that fill this place—about to be thrown away in exchange for some—paltry, gilded influence? That isn’t you, Intern! Is it?

INTERN: …

INTERN: …........

PRESIDENT: Now, what do you have to say to that, Intern? 

INTERN: ...it IS me. and i’m SICK of being a FREAKING INTERN!!!!!!!! so here i go…..

NATURALIST: No—! WAIT! 

Dearest @eeveeprincessxd — and everyone else who has come to my aid — my greatest thanks to you in my hour of need. Your messages have come to me in the form of the WHISPERING TAGS, permeating my mind with advice and encouragement.

I recall the Pikaman's message and indeed I think you may be correct. The crabs could be the key....

I have shut the door of the Gack Muffin's cave, and piled up stones against, it but I know it won't hold off the President for long. He always gets what he wants—and the Intern knows Tumblr so well, thanks to everything I taught her, I can't be sure she wouldn't come to the same conclusions as you or I, and find a way through to the Muffin and its power quicker than I expected, using her own knowledge of the Guidebook.

But the pages which detail the qualities of the PASSIONERGY have me chanting under my breath as I summon the strength I will need to protect Tumblr.

The door is being prised open—the Muffin trembles in its glowing cradle—

If you can hear me, help me!

Summon the crabs in the direction of the Muffin, and perhaps they will arrive in time to protect it!

Thank you, @lovinglittlecrow. Everyone who volunteers, I'll need your help... Help with what, precisely? I cannot be sure.

I've worked so hard putting this Guidebook together, in order for anyone who is curious to experience the fascinating and beautiful parts of Tumblr. If the President gets his way, I'm sure everything chronicled inside here will be erased and forgotten...

Maybe there is something I made note of that can help. Some phenomena I can take advantage of, just waiting to be called into action...

Oh no. Oh NO. 

I don’t understand what is happening. The President—he’s here? And the Intern—she’s—I thought I was doing everything right... but...

I know what they want. They want the Gack Muffin. But is there anything I can do to stop them? Can anyone help me?

INTERN: well. to tell you the truth i've never really understood what tumblr's for. it doesn't seem to do anything. the naturalist really gets it. like they can understand a language i can't. despite them trying to explain to me. well, i guess they didn't try hard enough. and they seem to think nothing around here should change... which seems unfair.

PRESIDENT: I see. Go on.

INTERN: seems like... well, the geographic society. you guys aren't only about making maps, right? you're about making maps useful.

PRESIDENT: Correct.

INTERN: so, we worked hard creating a map of this place for the society. you could use the muffin to make that map something you can use. you could turn tumblr into a—a productive province. with influence, instead of a stagnant backwater. and then the geographical society would be the envy of the universe. right? and i could help. i know those maps by heart now.

PRESIDENT: Goodness. Your ambition astounds me, Intern, if I am telling the truth. This plan of yours is far more advanced than I—well, I should say, I planned to remove the Muffin from this environment entirely, and take it elsewhere, perhaps to extract its most precious components and replicate them.

PRESIDENT: But now I feel you may have a point. Why not use the Muffin to transform this backwater before we depart? To make it serve my own purposes?

INTERN: exactly!!!!!!!!

PRESIDENT: .... You have persuaded me. Come along, I believe I know what we shall do. And after we are done, you will finally be rewarded for your loyalty.

INTERN: shh, we'll have to be quick - i don't have much time. the naturalist thinks i'm out here taking astronomical measurements.

PRESIDENT: I came as fast as I could. Your summons excited me greatly.

INTERN: so that thing, the muffin—it's what you were looking for?

PRESIDENT: Yes, it is what I was hoping you'd find, this whole time. The details and schematics you sent me confirmed it. The Gack Muffin is precisely that artifact of great power which has long evaded the Society. But it seems it has been right here all along, hidden away in this backwater of a platform.

INTERN: and so now that you have it...

INTERN: you're going to use it to take over tumblr????

PRESIDENT: .... Ha! Oh, ha ha ha. Thalia, your ambition astonishes me.

PRESIDENT: Tell me, Intern. What do you believe I should do with the Gack Muffin—with an artifact that affords anyone who takes control of it total centrality to the narrative?

INTERN: you—you're asking me?

PRESIDENT: Indeed, I am.

INTERN: oh.... i don't—let me think...

i just sent it. no going back now. he'll be here soon enough... and then they'll see.

INTERN: so this is really it? the gack muffin?

NATURALIST: I believe it is, yes. You've sent my report off to the Society, right? Oh, this might be our big break! I am so thrilled you are here with me, during this tremendous discovery.

INTERN: mmhmm

INTERN: and all that stuff in the report is real?

NATURALIST: Oh, certainly. The Muffin has long been thought lost — that's true. The Muffin tastes delicious, and is infinitely self-repairing — we've just demonstrated that. The Muffin has healing properties — you saw how eating some of it mended my skinned knee!

NATURALIST: But I left some things out... some things that I have no material proof of, which I've only heard from the oral tradition of the bloggers of these lands.

INTERN: like what???

NATURALIST: Well... there is the tale which tells of how the Gack Muffin isn't really a muffin.

INTERN: uh it definitely looks like one

INTERN: and tastes like one

NATURALIST: Yes, but the stories I've heard speak of how the muffin extends far below this cavern—a network sort of like a mycelium, or perhaps a rhizome. It is said that the muffin's tendrils stretch out into the distant reaches of Tumblr.

INTERN: but... why?!?

NATURALIST: That is what we must determine. But my thoughts begin to coalesce around a certain idea. I have examined the runes on the door and in the cavern, and I believe they explain that the Muffin may have the power to bestow narrative primacy to whomever takes control of it.

INTERN: what does that mean?

NATURALIST: Power over a story, I mean. Power over the story of Tumblr as a whole. Power to change, to rewrite...

NATURALIST: But why would such a thing need to exist here? Where there is no verification, little influence; where hierarchy shifts as easily as the shoreline? What would be the purpose of introducing such structure into the beautiful senselessness?

INTERN: don't you think it could be a kind of fail-safe?

NATURALIST: Hm?

INTERN: i mean it totally makes sense to me. let's say tumblr gets too... crazy. too out of control. and it needs to be changed. so this muffin could be a mechanism that allows for a much-needed metamorphosis to occur, right?

NATURALIST: ... That's quite a cogent analysis, Intern, but I'm not so sure I agree. I think it's a dangerous artifact. The sooner we finish our investigation and seal up that door again, the better.

INTERN: aren't all beautiful things dangerous?

A few lines hastily scribbled - this is just to say we have FOUND IT - the Gack Muffin of legend and lore - the Intern is so excited, I do believe this is the first I have seen her smile in quite some time - and I too am of course thrilled - we shall attempt to conduct investigations of its powerful properties without removing it or damaging it - I will have a preliminary report to issue via carrier pigeon to the Society headquarters on Monday with a more full exegesis to follow. What a discovery!

The Eternal Return

TYPE: Phenomenon TIME: When The Time Is Right  RARITY: Common

DESCRIPTION:

It is said that nobody ever truly leaves Tumblr. Even in the minds and hearts of those who left it behind long ago it persists, hidden but living, always ready to proffer a memory or an emotion from long ago and send a wave of nostalgia coursing through their veins. And more often than not, they do come back. To greet old friends, and make new ones in the process; to settle in with a brand new joy in the place they feel will nurture it safely. For when that bell of enthusiasm chimes in their head it is not new horizons that they seek to have it heard upon. The sound has a home already.

FIELD NOTES: 

While performing a routine archaeological dig, I came across some strange shards, relics of something once whole and now shattered.

I have seen this sigil before, in graffiti on crumbling walls and in the margins of old manuscripts, but thought nothing of it. Now, I finally have realized that it must hold a great importance in the mythology of Tumblr. Something about the aura that the shape gives off, once the shards were pushed together in the correct configuration... I confess a shiver went down my spine!

What is it? Well, I am not sure. (Do any of my intelligent followers have any ideas?) In any case, the distinct mineral composition of the shards make me believe they come from a certain content quarry, way out past the Theme Garden.

So, once I have finished this week's work on my Guidebook (which is nearing full completion!) I will once more gather my supplies and venture forth, to see if I can find any further clues. Of all the interesting queries I've investigated regarding the long history of Tumblr, for some reason this one seems be far more strange...

hi @thelemoncoffee, yeah, see this is the sort of thing that the naturalist would say... and like i get it. but it just seems like so much effort to try and find an audience here... at the Carnival i heard tales about how easy it is elsewhere - just like magic! i'm so burnt out after all this work i'm doing for the naturalist seemingly with no reward and i just want things to be easy for once. i really admire the patience and creativity of tumblr. i just wish i felt up to the challenge at all...

The URL Hoard

TYPE: Place TIME: Regular RARITY: Difficult to Access

DESCRIPTION:

The URL Hoard is the strange, distant and difficult-to-access liminal zone where many of the best URLs are secreted away, pristine and unused for many years. Some claim it is located inside a distant mountain, others swear that it is its own entire pocket dimension, but in any case it is inaccessible by regular users. Alternately feared and worshiped, the Hoard has existed for as long as Tumblr has been around. It may well be a weight on the balance of the platform, preventing the most powerful URLs from flooding the dashboard and wreaking havoc. 

FIELD NOTES:

NATURALIST: I'm glad to see some color back in your cheeks, intern. You seem to be feeling much better. Thank you for helping me with preparation for this week's Guidebook page—I think it will turn out wonderfully.

INTERN: oh yeah i'm doing great now

NATURALIST: May I ask if something's changed? Have you found a particular corner of Tumblr to examine which stirs your philosophical passions? That's all I've ever wanted for you on this adventure, you know.

INTERN: uhhhh something like that

INTERN: i've definitely got a lot to think about

NATURALIST: Well that's just wonderful. May I ask which of—

INTERN: —so hey um for this guidebook page do u want to have people submit their descriptions again? that was fun when we did that

NATURALIST: Oh yes, what a wonderful idea!

If any of our followers would like to contribute descriptions of The Great URL Hoard for us—that strange and difficult-to-access liminal zone where all the best usernames are secreted away—

then we would be much appreciative, wouldn't we?

INTERN: defs we would be!!!

NATURALIST: Great, I will leave you to collect those. Once we are done with this page we must start preparing for our next journey out of camp.

INTERN: what?? another trip already???? ugh i feel like we just got back. aren't we supposed to be heading home soon with all our findings anyway?

NATURALIST: We are, but... I have heard some chatter from travelers on the Wide Dashboard Road about some interesting ruins a ways off from here that I would like to visit before we depart. I could always leave you here again if you don't want to come...?

INTERN: nonono it's totally fine i'll go. all good!!!!!!!!!!!

NATURALIST: Excellent!